Half way done with learning how to drive Russian built agricultural grade flying machines.

Alright...we're about at the midway point in the Mi-17 flying training part. It's a lot of fun, occasionally humbling and usually funny. One of my favorite characteristics is...no two  Mi-17's are alike, which is awesome for learning how to drive them. Every cockpit is slightly different in switch placement, gauge configuration, radio compliment and translation of Cyrillic to 'engrish' on the little switch labels...but the operating manuals are super awesome. And those translations...well, there are quite a few engrish words I never knew existed and I have no idea what they mean. But that's okay, because nobody really does...we just guess what the Russians were trying to say. Sometimes it's better to read it how it was written...as in half a bottle of Vodka later. To be honest with you dear readers....it's kind of our style, it's pretty vague, a little loose and the end of the day it comes down to a good WAG. (that means 'wild ass guess' in case that was unclear). And that is pretty much how we fly...pretty much...'mostly like that', 'I'm pretty sure that's the switch/its supposed to do that' and 'close enough' are words to live by.

Here is an occasionally 'typical' cockpit...the Russians had a whole lot of teal paint. They used it in the cockpits of everything. And all the gauges were made in the same barn...for everything, helicopters to Mach 2 fighters. It's a great way to save money and it works out okay since the helicopter goes like 240 Kmh/h. That sounds way faster than 134 knots....and jets go like 500+ knots. And the radar altimeters are sometimes in meters and sometimes in feet. The VSI or VVI is (vertical velocity indicator...it tells you how fast you're climbing or decending) in meters per second which is just like an american one, which is in feet per minute...it's all the same, I think.

Then this one...is all black inside with ALL of the switches in Cyrillic, and the Radios are ridiculous, but at least you can't hear them so you can't really tell how bad the sound is most of the time. Ah...the centralized planners, those little Commies didn't really want it to be easy to communicate with the outside world, and definitely not for all the crew members to know what was really going on, in that scary outside world! Like when other planes are going to land on you but you can't hear them.

Oh yeah......this one also has a door to the cabin, too keep the riff raff out. This cabin door is where our Mi-8 (Mi-17's and Mi-8's are the same thing, mostly, usually like a lot of the time, for the most part, when drinking Vodka)...anyway, this is where it says 'EXPERIMENTAL'...read the fine print underneath:

NOTICE THIS AIRCRAFT DOES NOT COMPLY WITH FEDERAL SAFETY REGULATIONS FOR STANDARD AIRCRAFT

I don't know what that means. But I do know that we hold the door open with a couple of bungie cords. It lets a good breeze blow up into the cockpit.

 

I almost forgot...the agricultural equipment, yes, this thing smells like a tractor, and the air brakes sound like big rig or bus brakes hissing and squeaking when you're driving around on the wheels. Here is a view down the tail boom...those little cables up at the top of the picture, go back like 50 feet (okay, not quite but almost) to the tail rotor. Those little cables are what work the tail rotor! 

That's it for today. I need to go shampoo and condition my mustache...I think there are Oreo crumbs in there, and yes, they were double stuff.

Update from Florida...it's Been Rough, the Living Accommodations are Sparse...

We arrived in Florida for Mi-17 training last Sunday...the place we're staying at is on a highway and the noise is sort of constant. The weather is so so and we've been cooking for ourselves too...

So here are a couple pictures of the place we're staying at for the month while we learn how to fly a Russian built flying dump truck. They build stuff a little...well, okay, a lot different than the non-commie type countries (like they did things to make it harder for pilots to defect back in the day...)

anyway....the view and constant noise is oh yeah, the gulf surf on the beach. 

and this is our completely hetero convertible? um...but we are in Florida so we had to rent it right? Okay it's kinda metro...

and the Mi- we're gonna fly...the guys that are going to teach us just picked this bird up a few days ago...so they're working the kinks out...and they flew by the beach condo for us...

All the Good Stuff!!! It's going to be AWESOME! & a mustache update.

So...it's time for an update. We have class dates for the Mi-17 training. YEAH! It is supposed to be in Destin, FL. That should suck...El Paso seemed like a waaaay better place. I mean beach, spring break time...El Paso in the middle of crappy land would have been soooo much better. RIGHT?!

We just re-qualified on our weapons...it turns out the big man can still kill it. I'm getting some extra practice. It turns out that I'm at least partially we todd did and can't work a laser sight. So I was told that it's just gonna be my job to hand him bullets. Though, on the 9mm, I shoot the head really well...weird. 

And we got some really good news, an update of sorts from the current squadron commander over there. None of the Mi-17 we'll by flying have legitimate air worthy certificates. They have no real American maintenance oversight...oh and when we fly, there will not be another American in the helicopter with the us...so we'll be all alone. Oh, and there is NO FLIGHT FOLLOWING, meaning no one will know where we are when we're flying...just your wing man. And the comm system is so bad, you can't communicate with your non-english speaking crew, but hopefully the other one American in the other helicopter flying in the formation will be able to hear you.  But at least the Afghan crew members have no body armor or weapons in case you do have to go down. Again...you'd be all by yourself. SWEET!

Aaaand it's tax free for nearly the whole year! What more could we ask for?!?!

But I did go to Moab a couple of weeks ago...for the annual ride, 5 days and probably only one broken bone? JUST KIDDING!  It was awesome.

These last two are from 5 Miles of Hell. It's awesome...5 hours to got about 7.5 miles!

Okay...so I was off for a couple weeks...and some other stuff grew in too. But come on, the 'stache is looking GOOOOOD. 

Hurry up and wait...and wait aaand...wait some more.

Well, despite the fact that the air advisor mission is THE priority according what we've been told...the Air Force can't seem to find any Mi-17's for us to fly. Oh well...we'll just hang out until they do find us something to fly. In the mean time we're flying occasionally here at  home, but more importantly, spending time with our families!

...and growing mustaches. That is a critical part of being a successful Air Advisor.

This is The Big Man, the Ballerina and their fearless new snow boarder. This is a funny picture but for real...the little guy is pretty awesome and really has no respect for speed and the impending carnage awaiting those with little respect for too much speed combined with laws of gravity!  No...his dad isn't poking him with his pole to see if he's conscious after a crash.

My wife...she shreds! This is her executing the difficult maneuver ...stopping.

okay okay...she has become a pretty darn good skier but it's still fun to tease her!

My mustache...it takes commitment to be seen in public. It is pretty dirty! It's weird, the more wifey tells me to shave it because it's so gross...the more committed I am to growing a serious stache!

Um...I think the Big Man was told ''NO WAY'' by higher headquarters...so he is still looking for a mustache.

"How to"....how to roll a 7-11, New Jersey style.

After we learned how to jam needles into different body parts, treat sucking chest wounds and severe arterial bleeding...they let us drive cars. High Threat driving they called it. It was awesome! We were taught how to get out of a car or SUV that was disabled in an ambush, how to rescue your buddies that just got ambushed and to cover each others movements getting away. Then we actually got to drive...

We drove cop cars (retired police interceptors) and Dodge Durango's. There were several different drills, slalom, 90 degree turns at max speed, lane avoidance and K turns....and maybe occasionally, a wicked burnout! So between entertaining each other with smoke shows and replacing divots (the orange cones that were knocked over...that was other people not ME, Rod sometimes though) we learned some stuff. At the end we put it all together.

The last exercise starts with ramming a car, pushing your buddies' disabled car through a lane change, then bailing out under paint ball fire into another car and speeding off through a slalom into another engagement (us getting shot at) and bailing into another car and speeding to another set of cone drills....all the while being chased by instructors in another car with their horn blaring and paint balls flying, to stress us...it was flippin' awesome!!!

Basically...we SO learned how to knock over a 7-11! Or a liquor store?!  Just kidding...that makes is sound like we didn't take it seriously...but seriously, we did! Totally!

This the view from inside the car...Dona in the slalom, before the camera flew out of my hand. It was violent...this was after she got special instruction from Jack the cute instructor.

Rod piloting the cop car...he pretty much owned the driving exercises, he was the best in class. And he didn't break any steering wheels off, so that was good. But I'm pretty sure he used up more rubber than the rest of us. 

This is 'driver down'...the only drill that an instructor rode with us. ('cept for when Dona got remedial training from Jack the cute intructor)...the instructor hammers the gas up to 40mph then simulates getting shot and the passenger has to jump over and take control. And that means flooring it and driving the car through the cones for whatever drill it was. That's Dona, all 115 lbs or so 'smashing' the instructor out of the way. I'm pretty sure it must have felt different for the instructor when Rod did the same thing... by about another 140lbs or so. The instructors were excellent.  

This is 'contact left'...and Jesse with his game face on. He said make sure not to forget beer, Stella Artois...I know seriously, seems like he'd want us to steal a tougher beer. And besides...I'm pretty sure you're not going to find that at 7-11.

 

This is Mai Tai...he's just reliving the previous night at the O Club in his mind...and the 'tree dance' he busted out with the big boned girls. He and Jesse were, uh....out weighed 7 to 1. The two of them danced with 11 well fed and 1 skinny girl...it was spectacular.

This is the kinder gentler Air Force... and the boss, he says pink is the new Army green. "How YOU doin', can I see your gun?"  

This is recovery from a rescue drill....and 8 people crammed into a Durango. Rod bailing out, it was tight fit with gun and body armor.

Oh yeah...we got to shoot AK-47's. You want the AK for rollin' the 7-11... and then all you need is a case of hand grenades. 

The training was superb. And definitely the highlight of the trip to New Jersey.  And I can speak for Rod and the rest of the guys including Dona, we hope to never to back to New Jersey...land of Dunkin Donuts on ever single corner.

Not sure why cars even come with left turn signals...you can NEVER turn left when you need to.  It's awesome...and only adds another 17 minutes to your 15 minute drive to dinner. Three rights will eventually make a left. Brilliant!

First Aid? This could have gone horribly wrong...

We've moved on from the language and culture training (though training us to have any 'culture' is arguably a lost cause) to Combat Life Saver...basically, we learned to put a tourniquet on anything bleeding, jam a needle into a chest cavity for a pneumothorax to let the air out, and last but not least, we learned how to stick each other with IV needles. That last part was awesome! But this was just basic life saving stuff...until you can get your buddy to real medical treatment. We just wanted to be clear...we're not male nurses.

 The training was outstanding...the instructors were excellent. They told us no tourniquets around the neck, even for a bleeding head wound? REALLY? come on!  They said it works for everything else! And the sucking chest wound...jamming a needle in there is pretty sweet. The dummies chest cavities even hiss like a beach ball letting the air out. But the best part of all, IV's! We were taught how to put in a saline lock...which has an outstanding secondary benefit- curing a hangover! But we had to give back the unused needles.

 But before that poking and stabbing stuff...we had to learn how to roll over a wounded buddy. Um...I'm not sure it's supposed to look quite like this. This looks a little male nurse...but since they are our roommates, we assume they must be straight!

This guy had a really bad day...looks like he might need a neck tourniquet. Or an orthodontist? 

This is murse Rod....administering some prime time combat life saving!  That is a CAT5 that he put on the arm of our casualty. This dummy was part of a medical simulator, one of 15 or so worldwide and it was pretty interesting. The casualties blink, breathe and bleed. 

And then...the very best part. Stabbing each other with needles and hooking up the saline lock! Rod stabbed me, Dona stabbed Rod and I stabbed Dona. It was a sort of mutually assured destruction pact...no retribution for the one that stabbed you! You just push till you feel it 'pop' into the vein, tape it down and then hook up the saline lock...there were only a few squirters.

More Army stuff

So far this training was the most entertaining. They put 5 of us into a Hummer and then rolled it over.....and over and over, ending with it upside down.  The 5th guy sat between the two guys in the back on a little swingy thing, and halfway out of the top of the vehicle. It's the gunner position.  These were up-armored Hummers with 750lb doors.   

Anyway, as the jeep thing rolled over, the guys in the back, me and rod, had to pull the gunner inside the vehicle and pin him down so he didn't flail around as it went around and around.

This was taught by US Army types....Hoooyaaah. Or whatever they keep yelling after every statement. They mumbled a lot. We almost had a repeat incident of the "I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE WORDS COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!".  But we're getting used to understanding words with half the letters left out.

This is me getting into the back...

We're wearing our kevlar helmets and body armor stuff with blue plastic guns, and of course safety glasses!  You can see the guy sitting in the middle, the gunner's seat, his head is up through the top.

This is the commander...the boss man, he was the 'driver'. He had trouble getting his blue Nerf gun through the door. Now you can see why they gave us rubber guns.  He figured it out, eventually.

This the Hummer simulator getting ready to go upside down...

And this where it stopped...upside down, and the big man on his head. Good thing they made us do Army calisthenics to loosed up before. Oh yeah, it was 6 degrees outside the tin building and 6 and half degrees inside. (the Army guys didn't know how to work the heaters). So those little Hooyaah Army stretches really loosened us up! 

It all ended well...except for the gunner, Rod forgot to pull him out, right after I forgot to pull him out. oooops...our bad. I think he'll be okay though.