Driver's Ed

Don't forget to set the parking brake....or put the vehicle in 'park'. I remember something about that from driver's ed class. Let this be a lesson, you don't know where your vehicle might end up. It could roll across the road, into your neighbor's front yard.

It's really embarrassing when your vehicle rolls away, into a bad neighborhood. We had to fly down to pick up the passengers....that needed a ride after their bus rolled away. This town is pretty far south and not many Americans have ever been there. Funny thing, there was another wrecked air pane from 15 years ago...same thing happened to that one.

We were supposed to fly down, pick up the passengers and take them back to another airport. It was getting very late in the day, our boss in Kabul said "don't worry about it, there is a whole KANDAC of Afghan Army or Police down there, they'll take good care of you!" ...right, no problem, sounded like a great idea!

Now, I'm not sure how many soldiers make up a KANDAC, or what it stands for or if I'm spelling it right....either way, I'm pretty sure it's more than 5 guys. Which is exactly how many Afghan Police we saw...one for almost each letter of KANDAC?

After we took some pictures and interviewed the meter maid that told the guy not to park there...it was sunset and we had no idea where we were spending the night. We don't fly at night, since the Afghans have NEVER flown in the dark. (and yet, so many of them think they don't need to learn anything from us?)

I asked the crews if the helicopters were going to be guarded...'Oh of course! there will be two guards!". I said 'great!'...are we sleeping on the helicopters? My guys said "NO, of course not, you're coming into town with us!" ....ummm, so there we were two crackers (me and my Marine) headed downtown.

Turns out we got to stay in the 'Freedom Hotel'...right next to the governor's palace. It was really nice! The inside was pretty clean, we even had a tv in our room! The beds were the hardest thing I've ever slept on, but the room was free and it came with meals included...drinks too, Pebsi.

The next morning we had to wait out a dust storm before taking off...this is looking down the road. The road coming in the compound...the road that went through a nice neighborhood. Our pilots said it's really safe, don't worry, the houses belong to the smugglers. Nobody will make problems in that neighborhood. The next morning they told us how brave we were...the first Americans to go downtown. WHAAAT?! they told us it was all good!!!

We finally got out after the dust settled...we flew back to Farah with the passengers so they could get on another airplane. You think you've had bad airline experiences...the passengers had to find a place to stay the night after the parking brake incident, get on helicopters the next day then spend the night in Farah because it was almost dark when we got to Farah!

We had to convince an Afghan colonel, that runs around in a Russian Army General's uniform and likes to be called 'General', that it was a bad idea to fly the Mi-17's back to the dented up airplane right before dark. Genius.

Oh yeah...on the way to Herat we flew by this really nice...unoccupied Afghan Army base. It was built under direction of a US Navy Commander, she thought she was going to get the entire city of Farah to move away from the river, to the middle of this waste land and live around this base. When it was finished being built, she told the Afghan Army, 'here is your new base'...they said 'are you otta your mind? why would we move out in the middle of a desert!?'. It's still sitting empty, and the city has not moved away from the river, how weird? We heard she went home and was promoted.

We finally got to fly home from Farah...on the way we received enemy fire. Well, the lead air craft did anyway... they almost returned fire but one of the pilots said maybe they shouldn't try to kill the shooter...

This was from a rock. Some dude in a field stood up and hucked a tennis ball sized rock at lead. They were flying 130knots and 50 feet. Seriously?!... what are the chances?!!? Right in the windshield!

No problem...easy fix. All you need is a Red Bull can, some glue and contact paper! Yes, they flew again like this...

Dungeons & Dorks....and a Pelican.

We had mission...to a castle. The Afghans kinda lost control of a border checkpoint in scenic little hamlet, a wide, lush green valley next to the Turkmenistan border. The evil Taliban horde was too much for the Afghan Border Police...or they just gave up after the Taliban cut off the police chief's head. Either way, the Italians had to come slay the dragon and take back the castle. So they could give it back to the Afghans.

It was our job to resupply the Afghans after the Italians gave them their castle back. They were running low on supplies, it was our job to get them the supplies they needed...before they lost the castle again. (No one was sure how they went through two weeks of supplies in 4 days...they promised it wouldn't happen again...they promised not to sell everything in the town square?) The only problem was...well, the Afghans aircrews work less than the Spanish. They come to work from about 8:30...ish... give or take, and leave by 12:00. It's a tough schedule, I mean it's war after all. So we had the mission come down at 2 in the afternoon...no Afghans, just me and Stretch. And that was the other 'only' problem...we have to have two helicopters for any mission. Mutual support....in unlikely event of a water landing, means the wing man picks us up. Since the Afghans' work day is over around 12:00...we had to find a wingman.

The Italian Air Force 21 Squadron Tigre' said they'd be our wingman anytime. So we flew with Italian AB-212's...their version of the UH-1N, but way cooler.

That was the first time...oh yeah, the Afghan 'Crew Commander', was mad that we flew the helicopter without them...never mind the mission was approved by his commander, and the Afghan Border Police needed supplies. So we did it again....me and vegetable...single Mi-17, but this time with Italian Army guys...a single Mangusta. We flew up the river...'Nam style, oh yeah, now I can say I've been to Turkmenistan, I didn't get my passport stamped though. The 'Crew Commander' was really mad that time...but the Afghan Border Police that needed food seemed pretty happy that we delivered the goods with waiting for the Afghan aircrews to figure out that the rest of us work past lunch time everyday.

The castle is ancient...so was this Turkmenistan airplane patrolling the border. That is and Antonov An-2. We totally could have shot it down...Vegimatic was afraid the burning wreckage might fall on a goat or vegetable patch. So we let it go...this time.

This what the second 'most powerful' Mi-17 pilot looks like. In case you, the reader has forgotten, our genius Afghan 'Crew Commander' told us the guy built like a stalk of asparagus is the most powerful Mi-17 pilot...but I am in the captain's seat. I made him sit in the copilot's seat....because in this particular aircraft, the seat was really cramped, it was funny to see him all folded up in there and more importantly, I was comfortable.

If you look on the top of his right knee...that paper blowing around on his knee board from all the wind in the cockpit, is showing how when he flies...he's always out of trim, and HE's the most powerful Mi-17 pilot?

My office...and the tools of the trade. I can't read most of those gauges and switches...as it's all Cyrillic and I still have no idea what a kgf/cm2 is...

We made the usual gas stop in Qali Now...the kids are kinda cute. Make that...SUPER cute. They hang around the airport and talk with the Spanish soldiers....exchanging paella recipes.

Or....discussing the merits of a Remington versus Mossberg shotguns. Actually this kid is trying to sell arms to the Spanish. Okay, actually it's a toy gun that shoots plastic bb's.

So unlike the Dungeons and Dorks fantasy game, with warlocks and whatever...this is a real castle, not sure how old, all the buildings are made out of dirt anyway. We landed inside the castle walls where they used to grow wheat....at least I think that was what was blowing through the cockpit when we landed.

Though as old as the castle is...I'm pretty sure the Toyota Landcruiser buried in the wall at the left corner of the picture, isn't original architecture. We made the trip twice, me and Stretch...both trips were fun but the first one was the best, we saw camels swimming in the river, we flew with Huey's, saw the An-2 and the weirdest thing of all...we almost hit this flock of birds....

FRIGGIN PELICANS?!?!! are you joking?